The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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