So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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