i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize