my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A+ Viking dick
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