my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
