mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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