Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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