My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
