ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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