I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
