If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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