Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
