you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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