just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
