You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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