Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
