The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
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...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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