That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
