Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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