If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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