Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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