I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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