Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
