the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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