She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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