I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
