I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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