she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
