Someone shit on the floor
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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She just used a chaser for red wine.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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