My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize