He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize