did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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