need another drink. this is the easiest way
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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