Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
