I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
