I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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