peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
