I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Girls should come with a carfax report
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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