ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
