i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
