then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
