I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I swiped left on my soulmate