Texts From Last Night

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  (818): View more from California

  So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?

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  (818): So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God? http://tfl.nu/oozc
  Replies (91) Good night (5123) Bad night (874)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I saw his package. It spoke to me.

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  (732): I saw his package. It spoke to me. http://tfl.nu/ses1
  Replies (11) Good night (3430) Bad night (598)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  did you answer or finish?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  both

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  (404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called? (1-404): did you answer or finish? (404): both http://tfl.nu/gzoz
  Replies (27) Good night (7452) Bad night (1079)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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  (828): the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife http://tfl.nu/ib00
  Replies (67) Good night (8015) Bad night (2316)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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  (678): He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa? http://tfl.nu/j68l
  Replies (7) Good night (3638) Bad night (918)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.

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  (256): I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body. http://tfl.nu/ulji
  Replies (18) Good night (3307) Bad night (1133)
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  (315): View more from New York

  See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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  (315): See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday http://tfl.nu/kg71
  Replies (8) Good night (2721) Bad night (1663)
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

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  (510): I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper. http://tfl.nu/fogv
  Replies (6) Good night (1668) Bad night (863)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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  (405): In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/wcjj
  Replies (6) Good night (582) Bad night (1483)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.

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  (541): We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash. http://tfl.nu/8hyq
  Replies (1) Good night (838) Bad night (518)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.

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  (850): After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up. http://tfl.nu/jmm0
  Replies (0) Good night (695) Bad night (359)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.

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  (702): I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ. http://tfl.nu/vjli
  Replies (4) Good night (776) Bad night (384)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

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  (978): I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it" (978): or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored" http://tfl.nu/zr7x
  Replies (3) Good night (818) Bad night (530)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.

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  (330): I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight. http://tfl.nu/cgn4
  Replies (1) Good night (458) Bad night (241)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes

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  (306): a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes http://tfl.nu/6zne
  Replies (2) Good night (509) Bad night (139)

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