he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize