i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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