I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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