His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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