I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just invented taco cereal.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
