you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
