Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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