finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
