I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
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Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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